Celebrating The Slow Motion

pure love before his world was rocked

It's been two months since I became the Mother of two little ones under the age of 3. Two months since I became the mother of a daughter. And two very long months since I became the mother of a toddler who likes to remind me he's a toddler every day (and some days he likes to remind me every hour). I've had a rough go at this whole mother-of-two thing, but not because of the baby; she's a dream, but Mr. L and I have definitely been experiencing some growing pains as our family has expanded. I feel blessed, however, that these aches and pains we're dealing with are mostly aimed at me. Mr. L is the most amazing big brother to his baby sister. Granted, he's not the type of sibling who wakes up each morning wanting to check on the baby, he's a bit too Mommy-obsessed for that, but he is so sweet to her when he acknowledges she exists. He kisses her, hugs her, always wants to give her her binky and he is amazing at running to tell me when she's crying if I'm in another room doing something else (you know, like attempting to go to the bathroom without an audience). Since the arrival of Little Miss N he's also been better with The Hubs. We had several months of pure nastiness being spewed directly at The Hubs from Mr. L for no good reason. It was brutal. My heart would break every morning as The Hubs would reach out to tell Mr. L goodbye, ask for a hug and a kiss and would get rejection thrown in his face with a big ol' side of attitude in return. That is not the way anyone wants to start their day out. But since Little Miss N has arrived, I see a difference in how Mr. L treats The Hubs. It's certainly not perfect, but it's much better than it was; and it certainly isn't nearly as bad as he's been treating me.

Clearly he's over the attention he's NOT getting in the background

I know that the reason for this sudden change in Mr. L's attitude is due entirely to 1 part his age and 1 part the less time and attention I've been able to give him since Little Miss N's arrival. To go from hearing "sure baby, we can play, we can do whatever you want whenever you want to do it for however long you want to do it" every day to "Sorry baby, Mommy can't play right now, Mommy needs to feed/change/burp the baby and Mommy is really tired so if you could play by yourself that would be helpful" doesn't really sit well with a 2 year old. And if you are in a similar situation right now, rest assured I'm rarely that calm and polite when telling my son I can't play right now. Mainly because it's probably the 800-millionth time he's asked me to play in about 30 seconds flat, I've probably gotten very little sleep (Despite the fact that Little Miss N is a phenomenal sleeper, waking up against your will for 2-3 hours in the middle of a deep slumber does not make anyone chipper the next day), and have been nothing but needed by some creature since the moment my eyes popped open that morning. These early days are frustrating for everyone, there is a lot of adjustment that goes on and I was beginning to think that I'd lost my little buddy forever  and that I'd never get to enjoy my little love bug again. That's what I was thinking and feeling until this week. This week something miraculous happened. Granted, it's only Wednesday but I'm starting to see a difference in Mr. L; I'm starting to see my boy come back to me....what happened in our lives to make this change?

We all got sick.

That's right. It started with Mr. L coming down with a random runny nose in the dead of spring. We were cancelling play dates, putting plans on hold and waiting for this thing to dry up and move out of our house without infecting anyone else. But then I woke up 2 days later with a sore throat. I chalked it up to lack of sleep and figured it would go away if I went to bed early that night. Well, that turned out to be the one night Little Miss N had the worst nights sleep in all of her existence and I got two hours of sleep. That was all those little sick bugs needed to attack my immune system and take over. I woke up on Monday with a sore throat, a clogged head and two rug rats to look after. Awesome. We did absolutely nothing all day. We watched TV, we slept and we cuddled...a lot. I kept Miss N at a safe distance and chased Mr L with hand sanitizer every chance I got because as we all know, the only thing worse than a sick toddler is a sick baby (Except for maybe a sick husband). I stuck by my little guys side from the moment he woke up until the moment he went to bed. I did the same thing on Tuesday too, but yesterday morning despite my best efforts, Little Miss N woke up with the early signs of our cold so I had to put some distance between myself and Mr. L yesterday as I tended to and cuddled my baby who was experiencing her first cold! And you know what? Mr. L was fine. He was sweet. He even played by himself without me asking him to. I cleaned up and made dinner and he quietly played in our living room with his action figures. I was astonished. I've been begging him to do that for weeks so I wouldn't feel so guilty about telling him I couldn't play. He refused every time I suggested it and another battle between Mama and First-Born began. But today, he seemed to get it. He had this restored energy that I haven't seen in quite some time. It was almost as if our 2 days of living in slow-motion together told him I hadn't gone anywhere. That I was still his Mama-Bear who could cuddle and play and talk to him like I used to before the baby arrived. And by him seeing that, it showed me that he hadn't really gone anywhere either. My little guy was still in there somewhere. Behind the screams, behind the furled brow, behind the stomping foot and the sass-mouth was my lovable, playful, sweet-as-can be baby boy. I hope with all that I am that this is a new beginning for both of us. Now that I'm starting to get more sleep, and get better adjusted to this life with two children, and he's starting to get used to his baby sister being apart of our lives we can move forward in the direction we were heading before everything got turned upside down.

Thought it's been hard to be sick with two little ones to care for, today I am grateful for this bug that hit us unexpectedly because it's allowing us to celebrate the slow motion we've lived in this week and I hope that we can wake up tomorrow and press play on the lives we were living before the growing pains began.

Photos courtesy of Lissymack Photography

Looking Back at my Unknown Battle with the Baby Blues

The saying goes that hindsight is 20/20 and I'm finding that to be true as I look back and compare my life after first having Mr. L to my life now after just having Miss N.  Baby N just celebrated her 1 month birthday and I find myself looking around at my life with clear eyes. These eyes are the same ones that were foggy with Mr. L but I didn't know it. These are the same eyes that were lonely with Mr. L, but again, I had no idea. These are the same eyes that were drowning in what I can now see was probably some form of the "baby blues" or postpartum depression but I was in denial. I had a great OB/GYN who asked me how I was doing at each of my appointments, but I thought I was fine and told her that without hesitation. Even Mr. L's pediatrician had it as part  of the baby's check up to check in with me to see how I was doing, I always smiled and said I was fine. She told me I was the calmest new Mommy she'd ever met; I know now I was in a fog.

Weak smile and vacant eyes at 3 months in

Being a Mom is tough to say the least. Especially those first few weeks and months. You are sleep deprived like you've never been before. You are suddenly put on the back burner of your own life and simple luxuries like showers and meals are now a struggle to find time to accomplish. Add hormones that are as topsy turvey as a roller coaster and you can find yourself in a really bad predicament.

For me, I think I was basically too alone. I was the first of my local friends to have a baby. I worked in an industry of mostly men so I didn't have any female coworkers to lean on or talk to. My husband has a very demanding job and wasn't home maybe as much as I needed him to be. I'm also very much a "do-er" and don't like asking for help, so in his defense, he probably had no idea that I needed him as much as I did.

I remember thinking every single day that my husband was going to walk in from a long day at work and serve me with divorce papers. Every day this was my fear, this was what I thought was a rational reality. And yet, I was scared and embarrassed so I didn't say a word to anyone; not even my husband. That, dear readers, is not a normal way to think about your life after a baby. You should not be living in fear that your partner is going to up and leave you when you've had no discussion, no fights or no actual indication that this is a possibility. But again, I was alone and staying silent so the fog just got thicker.

The clarity that I have in my life now that Baby N is here is unbelievable and it shocks me how good I feel (though sleep deprived) on this side of everything compared to how I felt with Mr L. I don't snap at The Hubs when he asks what we did each day. I don't break down in tears when trying to pump milk for my child. I'm leaving the house as often as I can (And am totally ok when there are days that we don't make it out of the confines of our backyard). This is completely different than how I was living my life with Mr L. I remember taking great offense when The Hubs would ask what me and Mr L had done each day. I felt that I was being judged and attacked by his very simple and normal questions. I also took great offense any time The Hubs would tell me he thought Mr. L was a fussy baby. I remember thinking he was insulting our child and that if Mr. L was fussing, it was because there was something wrong that I couldn't figure out and therefore by insulting Mr. L, The Hubs was actually insulting me and my ability to be a Mother.

Pure and utter bliss. Holding my baby girl and soaking it up.

 Partum Depression (PPD)  is nothing to take lightly so I urge all of you new mommies to take a look at your life and at your thoughts. I think that I thought PPD was only occurring when you were having horrible thoughts of harming yourself or harming your child(ren). I didn't think that the things I was feeling or thinking would constitute a PPD diagnosis, but looking back I am 100% certain that that is what I was dealing with. If you are having thoughts that you wouldn't have had before you had your baby; in regards to your health, your relationship, your life etc then you need to mention it to someone. Mention it to anyone; your partner, your BFF, your Mother, your Doctor, your baby's doctor; anyone. Because if you just keep it inside you will easily talk yourself out of thinking there is anything wrong with you and instead you will fill your brain with fog and fear.

I didn't feel normal for six months after Mr. L was born. Those were six very tough months for myself and for my marriage that could have been avoided had I just taken my head out of the sand and mentioned it to someone. Don't be embarrassed, don't be scared, just be brave and know that what you are feeling, while scary is actually quite normal and you are not alone.

 Truly happy and  so content with my babies

Stay strong mamas! Your baby needs you to be!